The Red Backpack

There I was, booking it through the Magic Kingdom. I was fierce as mile after mile I pushed the double stroller that held my two boys. Up one Mickey hill and down every Goofy lane. In addition to pushing my precious cargo in a stroller that was slightly larger than my own body I carried a large red L.L. Bean backpack filled to the max with every snack, water bottle, wipe, rain coat, extra shirt, shoe, towel, and first aid kit that it could hold. I was a Target on wheels. My 21st century version of Mary Poppins' carpet bag.

To be honest, I felt very impressive. Strong, lithe, the I-can-do-it-all Mom!

Walking in my wake and wondering what in the world I was doing were three people who dearly love me: my husband and his parents. They continually offered their assistance as I sweetly refused. Don't they know I can do it all? I can carry this load all by myself!

See, this is something I'm very good at. Loading myself down, insisting I can do it all on my own...until I collapse with unnecessary exhaustion on my way to ride Dumbo the Flying Elephant.

This week I found myself once again burdened with a heavy load, but this time it came in the form of emotional cargo. We buried my beloved grandmother on Wednesday. It was a lovely home going service.  But the sadness of missing her along with worry for my mother who had just lost her mother, coupled with some other non-related issues that were making me angry - in short, I was crippled with all sorts of sorrow. By Thursday I knew that I couldn't cry. Because if I started I wouldn't be able to stop.

So I put on my big red backpack of fears, sorrows, and uncertainties. Loaded up my stroller of sadness and anger and I began carrying these burdens through a dark valley that resembled nothing of The Happiest Place on Earth.

But I couldn't do it. I tried to get my feet to move, tried to make it one more step, but as strong as I think I am - I'm just not. Profound sadness continued its threat to overtake me. I was on the cusp of intense anger and self-pity. Strength I have, yes. But not enough to carry this load.

Have you ever been here, friend? Saying, "God, it's too much! I can't hold up these burdens anymore!"

So I asked Him, "God, what do I do with my sorrow? With my fear? With my anger?"

You ask in expectation, sweet friend, and our God will answer:

My child, give your sorrow back to me. Dear one, let me combat your fears. Beloved, I will soothe your anger.

I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill. 

Psalm 3:4

In my distress I called upon the LORD; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.

Psalm 18:6

Friend, drop the backpack. Stop pushing the stroller. Park in right there in the middle of Fantasyland. Sit down and eat some ice cream that's shaped like a mouse's head.

Because not only are you not strong enough to carry that weight - you're not supposed to be.

But He is. 

Cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you.  

I Peter 5:7

Give your sorrow to Him. Turn it loose. In turning it loose you don't become weaker, you have become stronger because you are no longer relying on your pitiful amount of muscle.  

For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

II Corinthians 12:10

So, I did. I cried out. I gave Him my sorrows, my fears, my uncertainties. And when I walked back over to that backpack the weight of it was considerably less. The stroller moved along with ease.  

Life has bumps, bruises, and some downright nasty breaks.  But we are still created to live in fullness and joy. I cannot regain my joy by trying to conquer enemies against whom I stand no chance. They will consume me every time. They will turn me into someone I don't want to be.  

Dear one, I will not pretend that I know all of the sorrow and hurt you are carrying in your red backpack, but I do know that no matter how heavy it is, your God is strong enough to bear its load.

We are not meant to spend our days huffing and puffing, struggling with events and emotions that are too much for us.  So I shake off the little strength I have and trade it in for His. With this strength I can get back to the fullness of life and have joy of heart. 

And instead of spending all my energy carrying around unnecessary baggage, I'll choose to spend it on good things that bring joy - like riding a flying elephant with my sons.

LORD on your Holy Hill,

My soul cries out to you. I cannot deal with the shadows of sorrow, confusion, and worry on my own. Take my burdens, God. Show me how to turn them over to you. Return my heart to peace.

Lord, may it be so.

While I Wait

Life is a waiting game.  It seems we are always waiting for something.  I spend more of my time, ironically, waiting for my turn while playing the board game of Life than actually playing the game.

The minute we are born the clock starts counting down for something to begin. Our first tooth, Kindergarten, baseball tryouts, our driver's license.  Our college acceptance letter.  Our first love.

We wait for our careers to start.  For children.  For our children to get a little older so we can take that trip to wherever.

We wait for people to call, letters to come, a table at a restaurant.

We wait for test results.  We wait in line.  We wait for whatever-it-is to start.

We wait and see.  Wait and wonder.  Or we wait and we wander (this is never good).

We wait so often that we have designated rooms for it.  "Have a seat in the waiting room.  The fill-in-the-blank will see you shortly."

We wait until we figure it out.  Wait until things get better.

My precious, beloved grandmother was moved to hospice last week.  She spent many years waiting on heaven.  Today Eloise waits no more.

What are you waiting for, my friend?

I've waited, too.  For a job, for direction, for Life to start!  (What does that even mean?)  I've waited through miscarriages, for a baby to come.

I've waited for summer vacation.  I've waited anxiously for my husband to come home during bad weather.

I've waited for pain to end and happiness to come.

Waiting is a silent force that will not be denied.

So, we wait.

And what do we do while we wait?

What if we used our wait for glory?  Not ours.  But His.

See, I am a city on a hill (Matthew 5:14).  We all are.  Everyone sees I have a light for Jesus.  Is it a flicker or a flame?  A little match or a great torch?  Am I a sparkler in a small child's hand or a firework that lights up the night sky?

They see us.  The world around you is watching your wait.

So how do I make my wait worth it's weight?  Here's my plan:

Trust in the Lord

with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding

In all your ways

acknowledge Him

And He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5-6

I will trust in the Lord - because when has He ever failed me?

With all my heart - because I cannot be lukewarm for Him.

I will lean not on my own understanding - because, honestly, I understand about 0.07% of my life.  The good, the bad, the ugly.   And I'm okay with it because I trust in Him for my ultimate good.

In all my ways I will acknowledge Him - because I cannot expect His blessing if I willingly sin against Him and do not declare Him fully.

And He will make my paths straight.

That last part.  Listen.  In the original text "straight" literally means "plain," meaning to remove obstacles, to show clearly and evidently.  And who will give me such clarity?  

Friend, God Himself will!  

That's a stone-inscribed, rock hard promise from God.  You trust, you obey, and He shows you the way.  

Matthew Henry said, "It is promised.  He will direct thy paths so that they shall be safe and good and happy at last."

It is promised!

Don't refuse your wait, beloved.  Bask in it.  Live it!  It is not for naught if it is for Him.  

Your wait will end.  Whatever you are waiting for will one day come.  Or it won't.  But either way the wait will be done.  Live your wait in such a way that when you look back on it, instead of pity, you feel pride in that even in your darkness you remembered there was light.

I will sing in the stillness.

I will find wonder in the wait.

I will not be moved by not moving.

I will praise the plan before it is put into practice.

God Who Sees My Wait,

Help us to trust in You and lean not on our own understanding.  In all our ways let us acknowledge You.  We trust You to make our paths straight.

Lord, may it be so.

The One Who Loves You More

To be perfectly honest, I'm a take-it or leave-it kind of gal when it comes to Valentine's Day.  Now I certainly love celebrating love, but I am not a big fan of hype.  And Valentine's Day never quite lives up to what is anticipated as things with much hype tend to do.  (I'm serious.  Think about this past New Year's Eve.  Expectation:  glitter, champagne, fancy clothes.  Reality:  Cheetos, Ryan Seacrest, and your footie pajamas.  Bed by 9:30.)

While I may not put much stock in Valentine's Day, I do put much value in being loved.  Don't you feel it in your chest, in that space above your heart? The desire to be loved?  Not just respected or admired (although these things are of the utmost importance, too), but to be loved?

I'm not just talking about romantic love.  Love comes in many forms - from parents, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, children, and spouses.  When you feel someone love you with pure, unapologetic abandon - this is a beautiful thing that answers a need in your soul.

There's a reason love makes us feel so good.  Genesis 2:18 tells us that God made Eve for Adam because it "wasn't good for man to be alone."  Jesus commanded us in John 15:12 that we are to "love one another" as He loved us. And, my goodness, let's not forget I John 4:8:  "God is love."  Simple - you feel love, you feel God Himself.

The love humankind has for each other is God come down to dwell with us, in us.  My dear grandmother, who will be 97 this month, lives the most authentic relationship with Jesus I have ever seen or may ever see in my life.  A few years ago she dreamed she was in heaven.  While there in her dream she said, "I felt love flowing through my veins."

Love, my friends, is the language of heaven.

And God speaks this language to us now every time our heart thumps with emotion at those He has sweetly placed in our lives.  This is something to be treasured.  But if we think this serves as our fill of love we are sorely mistaken and missing another, more valuable treasure.

My mother tells a story of the day my second son was born.  She still had not arrived at the hospital when I was being wheeled into the OR for a c-section. She recalls crying in the car and whispering to God, "But she's my baby.  I should be there.  I'm her mother."

Jesus tenderly whispered back, "But I'm her Savior.  I love her more."

I think of my husband.  He woke up three times with our crying two-year-old last night.  Why?  Because he wanted me to be able to sleep.  That's love.

But there is One who loves more.

Can you picture your mother?  She packed your lunches and probably still calls you every day.  She prayed over you with tears during your most trying times. That's love.

But there is One who loves more.

How about your dad?  My father-in-law once drove an hour and fifteen minutes to help my sister-in-law hang a shower curtain rod in her new apartment. That's love.

But there is One who loves more.

Think about your dearest friends.  My friend Jennifer will ask me if I need help for an upcoming event before I can even think to ask.  That's love.

But there is One who loves more.

And what about our precious children?  Whether they share our last name or are only ours during school hours or Sunday school time.  A hug from a peanut butter and jelly covered five-year-old?  That's love.

But there is One who loves more.

These precious people God has placed in our lives are just the ultimate, aren't they?  Joy-inducing, heart-bursting, honest-to-goodness gifts.

But none of them left a heavenly throne, suffered at the hands of evil, and overcame death for you.

See, Jesus loves you more.

Revelation 19:11 tells us the story of "the Rider on the white horse."  He is dressed in white and leads the armies of heaven.  He comes to earth to vanquish evil and wipe away the tears of His people.  He is called King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Maybe you've been fortunate enough to receive the love of spouses, mothers, fathers, friends, and children.  Praise God for those blessings!

But maybe you've been hurt by lack of love.  Suffered the loss of a mother or a child.  Never knew your father.  Were betrayed by your best friend.

Friend, if that latter category is familiar, boy do I have good news.

You see, that Rider on the white horse?  Our precious Jesus?  Revelation also gives Him another name:

I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse, 

whose rider is called Faithful and True.     

(emphasis mine)

And there He is, the One who loves you most.  And He is not confined to things we humans are:  to death, abandonment, loneliness, loss, betrayal.  Nothing can separate us from His love (Romans 8:38).  Nothing.  Because His love is limitless and carries no trace of human weakness.  His law?  It's pure love (2 John 1:6).  

In His perfection He has committed Himself to you.  He has named Himself for you - "Faithful and True to (insert-your-name-here)".  

And your name?  My friend, it's engraved on the palms of His hands (Isaiah 49:16).  

So let's celebrate the people whom God has placed in our lives.  Let's love them and appreciate them.  But in a place of honor, held high in our hearts, let's celebrate Jesus. 

Because He loves you more.

Oh, Faithful and True:

Let us remember that Your love is Perfect.  Let us remember that You will never leave us nor forsake us.  Why?  Because it is against Your very nature.  It is impossible for You to let go of what You have claimed.  Let us return Your love in the best ways we can:  by recognizing it and showing obedience to Your Law.  The Law that just happens to be love, too.

Lord, may it be so.