For about three years infertility has been the shadow that keeps me company. Sometimes it is overwhelming and dark and other times I hardly notice it. However, milestones serve as reminders. For example, the one year anniversary of surgery that was sure to do the trick, the closing of another year with empty hands, and even age milestones of other precious babies.
You see for me, I really thought 2017 would be the year - the year for my pregnancy. 2016 sure wasn’t, so surely it would be 2017, right? It wasn’t. At least 12 times, I formulated a plan to announce a long awaited pregnancy in my head. Telling no one because I wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise. I will show up at the airport when my husband arrives home from his trip(s), newly pregnant, and holding a sign awaiting the arrival of the “daddy to be”. Well, those planes have landed.
I will break the news on a birthday of any given family member and have them unwrap a frame with the words “grandparents or aunt to be”. Those birthdays all came and went.
I will let my husband know we are finally expecting on Father’s Day. What a fun surprise that will be. Another Father’s day passes. I could go on, but you get the picture.
Instead, I celebrated (and can I be completely honest? - wept for myself) births of friends’ babies and pregnancy announcements, and I even stood in the birthing room cheering on a young mama as she gave birth to her baby boy - a position I will forever be honored to have stood. 2017 was in fact the year of pregnancies - just not mine.
Anyone else there? I know I am not the only one closing out 2017 and starting 2018 empty handed. Perhaps you, like me, have seen 12 negative pregnancy tests - getting your hopes up only to have them let down again. Or maybe your ring finger is empty. You really hoped you would meet Mr. Right this year, but you didn’t. You are waiting on healing that hasn’t come despite your prayers and pleads (God hears all those and sees you, by the way. Despite the fact that your circumstances haven’t changed “yet”, please know that your prayers are not in vain.) Maybe you are waiting on a raise, promotion, a job or a loved one to come back home. I know the feeling of your heartbreak. I hurt for and with you.
While you wait, the celebrations of others cause a little sting.Their social media post goes something like - “We are pregnant! God is so good” or “I got the job I wanted! God is so good” or “Save the date - We are getting married. God is so good.”
Each time, the enemy tries to tell me “You still aren’t pregnant. God must not be good and He is certainly not good to you.” You see, the devil wants us to believe lies such as this. When circumstances aren’t good, healing doesn’t come, or prayers aren’t answered in the way we want, the enemy swoops in and whispers things in hopes of taking our focus off of God and putting our focus on ourselves and our circumstances.
Here’s my response to the enemy and here’s my social media announcement. “I am not pregnant yet. God is so good”. You see, God’s goodness is not determined by my circumstances. He is good. He can’t be anything less. God has promised to be close to the broken-hearted. That promise has certainly been fulfilled for me. He is Emmanuel, God with us. God has been so good to be with me through every disappointment and heartbreak.
Believer friends, can we make it a point to announce His Goodness even in the darkest of circumstances? May we not just wait for the celebrations and answered prayers to declare His glory to the world. Friends, the world needs to know that in the very midst of darkness and grief HE IS GOOD.
Join me in declaring His goodness. “The Word gave life to everything that was created, and His light brought life to everyone. The Light shines in the darkness and darkness can never extinguish it.” John 1:4&5
You are good. You are with me. I will praise you in all circumstances. I declare you glory and your goodness. You are worthy of praise.