A few summers back my husband’s job called him to be out of town all summer. His traveling would mean I would be home with a 7 year old, a 4 year old and a 1 year old. Alone. All summer. That’s when I first began to feel it. The fear. It was a smothering sort of feeling. I literally began to feel like I couldn’t breathe. So, after some conversation, we borrowed a small trailer and drove to Texas. All five of us.
Our first full week in Texas, I began to feel it again. Here I was in a brand new state, a small town that I knew nothing about and yes, I was with my husband, but he was working 12-14 hour days, six days a week. I could feel the weight pressing down on my chest. It was paralyzing. I was afraid to even take them out the door of the apartment. I called a friend back home a little panicked. “How do I do this?” I pleaded. She talked me down off the ledge that looked like packing up three kids and driving a bazillion hours back home. I began to lean on 2 Timothy 1:7, For the Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and of sound mind. I grabbed my smart phone and started googling. We started at the local library (which is a funny story all on it’s own!) and went from there. I drug my darling children all over the Fort Worth area in a matter of three short weeks and we had a blast!
We traveled home only to sell our house, move to a rental and then take off again for Baltimore. With 2 Timothy in my back pocket, Maryland was a better experience. I was more confident than I had been in Texas. I could do this. Don’t get me wrong, I was still a nervous wreck and oh so naive (I’m pretty sure our first day was spent in the absolute roughest part of the city!) But I wasn’t going to let fear keep me in a hotel room.
A little over a month after we came home, one of our dearest friends had a heart attack and passed in the night. Chris came home for the funeral but was right back to Maryland the following week. The fear came back. The heaviness began to drag me down. Here I was in a rental house full of boxes, teaching full time, raising three children, and just trying to keep my head above water.
It was becoming too much. The fear was creeping in on all sides. I began to live constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. What was going to happen next? I was always on alert, hoping to be prepared for whatever the world threw at us next. I’m not sure where I first heard this Psalm 27, but as I began to study it more, I found it to be exactly what my heart needed:
The Lord is my light and my salvation—whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life—of whom shall I be afraid?
When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and foes attack me, they will stumble and fall.
Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident.
One thing I ask of the Lord, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple.
For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. …
I am confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord.
Now when the fear comes, because let’s be honest, we live in a fallen world, until we get to Glory, bad things are going to happen and the fear will keep coming. But when it comes, when I feel the tightness in my chest, I remind myself that the Lord is my light, my salvation, my stronghold. Whom shall I fear? I ask Him to show me His beauty. And there it is, just where it’s always been. Right there in front of me. In the laughter of my family, in time spent with close friends, and in the breathtaking world around me. I can choose to live in the fear. I can choose to let it paralyze me into waiting for the next bad thing. Or I can remind myself that I am His and I have nothing to fear. I will be strong, I will take heart and I will wait for the Lord.
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