Let me begin this by saying I've been a parent only as long as the calendar has read 2018- literally, my kid was born on New Year's Eve. Whether you are in the weeds of babydom like me, or you're a seasoned parenting vet with grown kids, or somewhere in the middle, or not a parent, I hope God meets you where you are through this glimpse into His whispers to me.
Motherhood has been a harder transition for me than I ever imagined. We waited for our baby- she was in no way, shape, or form a surprise- and therefore I thought I was going to be perfectly prepared. I (used to) pride myself on being a competent human being. I am (was?) available and reliable, a highly organized and efficient planner, a quick learner, a no-nonsense person who can get to the heart of what's important in a few seconds flat.
But then God gave me Selah. And just like her name tells us to pause in the Psalms, God has used her to make my soul pause and reflect.
So here are just a few things I've learned in my 8 whole months as a parent:
1. We scream and cry for things that God is already working on in that very moment.
This one I got while I was warming a bottle one day. Selah had gone from happy to losing her mind hungry in about 5 seconds. The provisions were already in place- the bottle was warming- but my girl couldn't see that. She just knew she had a need and it wasn't being met in a way she could see in that moment.
How many times have I been this way to God? Even just in waiting for our girl- I threw so, so many tears and sobs and screams towards Heaven, when the provision was already lined up perfectly.
2. Getting clean isn't necessarily fun or comfortable.
My child hates baths. If I could make the word "hates" in 75 point font, in a glaring orange color, with a fully working siren blaring, it would not be enough to emphasize Selah's feelings about water. (Before you email/message/comment, we have tried every trick in the book, held the book upside down and backwards, and tried it that way too.) Her daddy and I have become baby bath professionals and can clean a babe in record time. She may hate it, but getting cleaned up in a necessary part of life.
It's necessary in my spiritual life, too. Sometimes we let things go and shrug them off as "little" sins, or things "everyone struggles with", or we say to ourselves, "at least I don't ___" or "at least I'm not like ___". That phrase "at least" is so dangerous. We compare our mess to other flawed humans instead of the holiness and righteousness of almighty God.
This is not to say to just try harder and clean yourself up. It is always and only the blood of Jesus that cleanses our sins and makes us white as snow. Salvation is the free gift of God for all who believe (Romans 6:23, Ephesians 2:8). I do nothing to earn it; I simply come to Him. Sanctification- being set apart as God's people, being made holy- is an ongoing work in our hearts and lives through the Holy Spirit, and it's not easy work. Sometimes it is uncomfortable, even painful, and no one likes discipline in the moment, child or adult. But God disciplines those who He loves, just like a good parent disciplines their child(ren) (Hebrews 12:6). It is not always fun, but it's always for our good.
3. We sometimes fight the very things we need.
God whispered this one to my heart a few times, during diaper changes, and during seemingly endless rocking in a dark room to the sound of ocean waves from a sound machine. Our girl loves to flip over like a loony toon mid-change. She also goes from settled and peaceful to a squirmy mess, right as she's giving in to sleep. She does this thing where she will nestle into your shoulder (*swoon*), then will throw her head back like "I'm awake! I'm not sleeping! See how awake I am?!"...rinse and repeat. In the middle of the night, she was doing her dozing off head throw, and I said to her, "why do you fight this?" and Holy Spirit whispered so clearly to my heart, "you fight what you need too, dear one."
4. There are things that happen in life, to us and to our children, that look bad or maybe even are bad, but that doesn't necessarily mean we did something to cause them- in fact, they're for the glory of God.
I spent much of Selah's first 3 months of life in a perpetual state of self-loathing. That's hard to admit, but it's true. It was strange and nothing like I expected, particularly because we waited for her, and so I expected nothing but peace and joy.
But then I had to be induced out of medical necessity- for her safety and for mine- at 36+4. Because of needed medical interventions, I wasn't allowed to walk, stand, or even move to a position where my legs weren't flat during my 31 hours of labor. 31 hours of labor ended in an urgent c-section. Once she was born, there were complications and I had to be completely put under anesthesia- my husband got to hold our baby first. The first time I saw her is crystal clear, but beyond that, much of her first 24-48 hours are a blur to me. I have harbored so much guilt and (dare I say) grief over that. Selah was strong- both physically and strong in spirit- from the very beginning, and she spent exactly 0 minutes in the NICU. I know I have so much to be thankful for, and please believe me when I say that I am.
But she was also tiny- barely over 5 lbs. She has scars on her right foot from monitors and blood sugar checks, and those scars may be with her for life. We discovered an allergy to dairy at 6 weeks old and some other scary, hard to navigate food allergies called FPIES around 6 months old (more on that another time).
Whether you view these things as big or small (and my own view of them changes depending on the day), just like most mamas, I have carried an intense amount of guilt over...basically everything that involves my kid that isn't perfect or the way I think it should be.
Is there something I did or didn't do that caused all of this? Her birth story is nothing like I pictured or even wanted, and I was already super low maintenance as far as birth plans go. I felt like my body failed me, and more than that, it failed her. This baby was prayed for and cried over for quite some time before she came to us. Why couldn't I have just one, clear picture? Was it too much to ask to want to hold her first, to have that moment with my husband with our just-born baby on my chest? Why was she so little? Will she always have those scars that overwhelm me every time I see her sweet little foot? Why can't my kid just eat Cheerios like anyone else's? (She's insanely allergic to oats, by the way.)
"Christian karma" would tell me yes- it's all my fault. I did not coin that phrase- Christian karma- but I think it perfectly describes the views of so many believers. Christian karma says if I do well, I receive well, but if I do something wrong or bad or have some hidden sin, bad things will happen to me or my loved ones.
Y'all- that's not how Jesus works. Look at when Jesus heals the blind man (John 9). Paraphrased version: the disciples ask Jesus, "who sinned for this to happen?" They're basically asking, "whose fault is this?"
We ask "whose fault is this?" too. We look for a way to explain the unexplainable, in big ways and in small ways, and I have a pretty good theory about why. And here it is:
It's because we want to convince ourselves the bad thing at hand won't happen to us or our people. It gives us a sense of control and, if we aren't careful, a sense of pride. We are looking for a way to draw ourselves and the people we love on the inside of the circle of safety. If I can find fault in others, I can avoid said fault in myself, and therefore keep me and my people from harm- that's the logic.
Do you know what Jesus says, when the disciples want to know who to blame? "Jesus answered, 'It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.'" (John 9:4, ESV) That man was born blind to be used to the glory of God, to have Jesus perform a miracle in his life, to believe in and worship Jesus (John 9:38), to testify to Jesus' work.
I know- and the no-nonsense part of me will be first in line to tell you- that we reap what we sow (Galations 6:7). There are consequences for our choices, and we can't call our consequences "trials". Well, we can, but we shouldn't. When our sin catches up with us and we're dealing with the fall out, we're not walking through a trial; we are dealing with the results of our decisions. It's still hard. And even when we are walking through junk of our own creation, God is gracious to walk through it with us, and He doesn't just stay with us- He redeems it all.
The rhythms of grace are bigger than "just" reaping and sowing- in the rhythms of grace, it's both/and. One of my favorite lines of my favorite songs says, "it's not one or the other: it's hard truth and ridiculous grace." We get both.
Yes, we reap what we sow. Yes, sometimes bad things happen because bad choices were made, whether ours or someone else's. Yes, sometimes bad things happen as trials to test our faith, which is of great worth (1 Peter 1:7). Yes, sometimes bad things happen because we live in a fallen world. Yes, sometimes bad things happen because there has yet to be a miracle without there first being a need or a problem.
The rhythms of grace are to, above all, glorify God.
Here's the kicker: no, you may not get to know the "why" this side of eternity.
I may never know this side of Heaven why my kid was born early and the way she was, why she has the scars she has (and the ones she will surely get in her time on this planet), or why she can't eat something as simple as goldfish crackers. But I do know that God will use all of it for His glory and our good.
5. God's goodness is not determined by things going well for me.
Once upon a time, when things would be going especially well or when there was some praise report, I was one of those people who would follow the news with the phrase, "God is good!" And I meant it. Because He is.
Then I had trouble conceiving. And with every pregnancy announcement that included the phrase, "God is good!", satan whispered to me, "but He's not good to you, is He? See, He's good to them, but He's not good to you. You've done everything He's asked you to, and you're the one without a baby. He may be good to some people, but you're not some people."
I know who I am and Whose I am- I can tell satan to shut up and go away. But even for a seasoned Jesus girl, who once literally opened her back door and told (actually yelled at) satan to leave her home in the name of Jesus, those lies pile up and start to snake their way in if you let your guard down, even for a moment.
With Selah's FPIES, we have to run single ingredient food trials for a week at a time. She currently has 6 safe foods and we are on day 2 of trialing the 7th. Apples were our 2nd food trial, and the girl loooooooves apples even more than she hates baths. When she passed, someone said to me "God is good!"
And He is. But He is not good just because my kid can eat apples.
If apples made her as sick as oats and avocado and dairy do, my God would still be good. He is good because of who He is, not because of what He does for me or what He allows me to have. He is good if Selah only ever has 6 safe foods. I pray for more, and I believe He will give us more even than we ask for, but if not, He's still good.
6. "Good" is a good, right standard.
Remember when I told you I (used to) pride myself on being a competent human being? My expectations for myself and my husband as parents were off the charts. Anytime anything was hard, from the day I was induced to keep both of us safe, to her allergies, to little patience on little sleep, to the time she had the tiniest bit of diaper rash, I would rake myself over the coals. Obviously, I was a bad mom because I couldn't perfectly control everything to give my baby the perfect life *insert eye roll*. I'm rolling my eyes at myself now, but it was real and hard and awful. If I overheard someone speaking to another person the way I spoke to myself during that time, I would not stand for it, not for a minute. Anytime anything wasn't "just so", I would absolutely berate myself.
But then I was reading in Genesis Chapter 1, when God makes everything, and do you know what God says about his creation? He says it's "good" and "very good."
If "good" is the adjective God chooses for His creation, I think it is one I would do well to use more in my own life.
Not perfect. Good. The only one holding myself to this "perfect parent" standard was me. Embrace the freedom Jesus purchased on your behalf. Which brings me to...
7. My salvation came at a high price. Like unimaginably high.
I knew this before I was a parent. I did. Jesus gave Himself and took on the punishment for all of my sin (and all of yours, and all of our kids', and all of the people we love, and all of the people who get on our nerves, and all the people ever of all time).
I think I thought of it as Jesus' sacrifice, which is true and right, but what I couldn't grasp before becoming a parent was the great cost it was to the Father.
I mean, I knew that. John 3:16, right? "For God so loved the world, He gave His one and only Son..."
God loves me, yes. I know. Or I thought I knew. Just like I thought I knew how much my parents love me. In our family, we've always said, "I love you bigger than the sky."
Then I met Selah, and immediately I got some point of reference for just how big "bigger than the sky" love is. A parent's love is bigger than themselves. I believe it is one of the two ways we get a little glimpse of how much we are loved by God in this lifetime.
I can't imagine my parents sacrificing one of their children to get the others back, but that's exactly what the Father did. I can't imagine sacrificing my one, precious, amazing child (y'all, just the thought of that makes my chest tight). He didn't just sacrifice just any kid. This was His only Son, His perfect Son. And He wasn't sacrificing for other flawless loves- oh, no. He was sacrificing perfection to get back the ones who had done everything wrong. God demonstrates His love for us in this: while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:8)
It was a higher price than we can ever grasp, and He paid it for us. We are worth that much to Him.
Y'all, know this: God loves you, and He loves the people you love. He knew what choices you would have (or not have, depending on your situation) and what choices you would make, and He still entrusted you with the people in your life. Love of God and people- this is it, the big purpose and calling we are all searching for. We want it to be bigger and more important, so we miss what is biggest and most important: loving God and the people He made. Let's not miss it. We're not called to be big or important- we're called to be love.
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