How Do I Help a Friend Who's Hurting?

by Jennifer Smith

Bless our hearts.

As I’ve grown into adulthood God has given me the very precious gift of deep and lasting friendships. It seems He knew something I didn’t-

Friendships of youth are fun and important and beautiful, but it takes a woman-sized friendship to help tackle the grown-sized problems of being an adult.

What a gift my friends are. They have helped me navigate some seriously terrible storms in the past few years: loss, emotional trauma, fear, and uncertainty. And in turn I hope I have helped them through their wind and waves.

My friendships are valuable to me: the ridiculous laughter, important conversations, and the gift of just being well known. Yesterday my friend Jamie literally said these words to me, “You turned your head a certain way. Are you keeping a secret?” 

And, you know what? I WAS.

(For the sake of transparency I will tell you it was a boring work secret akin to the secret Phoebe told Monica when her “friend Nancy from work was being fired”. #friendsreference)

Y’all, friends are important. And we need each other. So if a friend is going through a hard time, how do we help? I’ve combined my own experiences, a conversation with a licensed counselor, and most importantly, prayer, to compile this list. I hope it helps you to help:

1. Ask. If you feel like a friend is hurting or is a little “off” it’s okay to say, “Are you okay?” Either they’ll say yes and we’ll all move on with our day or they’ll say no and you’ve opened a door for conversation.
2. Listen. When a friend confides, you don’t have to talk. Take in every word they’re saying without worrying what you’re supposed to say next or comparing their struggle to your own story. Most likely that’s all they need from you- a listening ear.
3. Understand. Give validation to their struggle. Saying the words I understand or that must be hard or I can’t imagine gives your friend support in their struggle and let’s them know they are not alone.
4. Don’t try to fix it. We are not licensed therapists. (Well, maybe some of us are, but I certainly am not.) I don’t know how to fix a broken marriage or guide in grieving a death. But I know the One who does which leads me to...
5. Point them to Jesus. This does not mean saying things like "This was all in God’s plan" or "God never gives us what we can’t handle" or "It'll happen in God's time". (Just stay away from any generalization your great aunt Helen would say.) This does mean saying, “I will pray” and meaning it.
6. Pray. To our human mind this sometimes feels small, but it’s the biggest one. Friends, lift your friends up to Jesus. He’s the only one who can fix or change anything. Tell Him of their sorrow and let Him do His mighty work. James 5:16 tells us the prayer of one who knows God is powerful and effective.
7. Encourage. Remember your friend through texts, notes, and laughter. One time when I was down, a friend sent me socks. Socks! In the mail! And oh how I smiled.

God is so good to give us each other to care for and help. This is an actual commandment Jesus gave to us. He told us to love God and then love people. And if I am well in tune with the God-love inside me, great springs of love run out of me to those around me.

Let’s remember that being a godly friend doesn’t mean we have all the answers. We don’t need to think of the perfect thing to say. A godly friend listens, prays, and loves. A godly friend points to Jesus, the best Friend of all.