We had gotten down to the last can of Elecare. Well, what I thought would be the last can.
If you're not familiar with Elecare, it's an amino-acid based (read: very expensive) formula for kiddos with severe food allergies, GI issues, etc. It was a long journey to get us to Elecare, but long story short, we fall in the "multiple severe food allergies" camp.
When I ordered (what I thought was) the last case of Elecare, I did the math and figured out we had enough to last until our daughter, Selah, was almost 13 months old. That's more than plenty, right? By then, we would have had her 12 month well check, gotten the green light to transition off of formula, and Elecare would be quickly fading memory.
But that's not how it happened. Selah's weight gain at her well check was perfect, and her list of safe foods was up to 13 (she's up to 14 now). Encouraging, sure, but put simply, her diet just isn't well-rounded enough to not need Elecare anymore. So she'll be on it until...well, until. Until her diet is diverse enough to give her all the nutrients she needs without formula. We have no idea when that will be.
When I saw that last can of Elecare sitting on the shelf in the pantry, I felt a twinge of sadness. This was supposed to be the last one. And yet, there I was, ordering more. I had hopes of where our progress would be, and reality wasn't matching up. I turned the light off in the pantry and closed the door.
Just two days later, Selah had an allergic reaction to eggs. She had hives on her sweet little face and one of her eyes was swollen. We followed her plan of care and put calls into her pediatrician and allergist. Within about 90 minutes, the hives were fading fast and she was back to almost-normal. It was scary, but thankfully, it was brief.
After she went to bed, I told my husband, "I'm really sad about her reaction to eggs." He reminded me that things could be so much worse, and yes, it stinks, but we have much to be thankful for. He's right, I know.
I know he's right. I still bent over our kitchen counter, put my head in my hands, and cried.
He asked me why I was crying, and I just shook my head, because I couldn't articulate it yet. But here it is, the gut honest truth: I was crying because I was disappointed in God.
Faith is being sure of what we hope for, and certain of what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1). I had faith- I was certain in my hope- that, by God’s grace, we had found all of Selah's allergens. I was convinced that these food trials were just a formality, that the worst was behind us. I prayed and trusted that we would only being dealing with FPIES (a rare, severe food allergy, where reactions are GI related and can lead to shock). And yet, here we were. Now we had a new allergen to add to our list, and now we were managing both kinds of reactions, both of which can be life-threatening.
I trusted Him, and this new reaction felt like He let me down.
Listen, I believe that there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that touches me or my child (or you) without first being allowed by our good and sovereign God. And I think that's why I felt so disappointed- because I trusted Him, because I believe in His sovereignty, because I was holding so tightly to my belief that the God Who stepped down from Heaven to give us abundant life certainly wouldn't allow an even more limited diet.
Who am I to say what God will and will not allow?
I've prayed a lot about this. I told God how I was feeling- disappointed, disillusioned, overwhelmed, and just plain sad. I was scared for what this means for Selah long-term. I was completely overwhelmed by learning to manage a new allergen and a new type of reaction. Would she ever be able to eat something I didn't personally make, or anything seasoned with more than organic cane sugar or sea salt? It wasn't looking good.
There is a song by Natalie Grant called "More Than Anything". The chorus goes like this:
"Help me want the Healer more than the healing.
Help me want the Savior more than the saving.
Help me want the Giver more than the giving.
Help me want You, Jesus, more than anything."
I've prayed similar prayers to this chorus over my years of walking with Jesus. I learned to want Jesus more than anything when I was asking Him for a husband, a job, a house, even a baby. But to want Him more than my baby's healing? It seemed He was asking so much of me.
I prayed about this, out loud in the car, "Jesus, am I supposed to really want You more than I want You to heal my child? Is this right? Am I completely insane? Surely, I've missed something. I know I'm supposed to want You most, but I don't know how. How?"
And in my spirit, I got a one word reply: "Yes."
So I said, "Okay. This feels backwards, but here goes: help me want You more than I want You to heal her."
I got the same word again: "Yes."
I have wrestled with this, why and how God asks me to want Him more than literally anything, to love Him with heart and soul and mind and strength. And I don't claim to have all the answers, but this is what I've got:
He is better than anything. No matter what is it that I want or need, Jesus is better and Jesus is more.
It's hard when what you hoped for isn't what's in front of you. I have no idea what it is that you want or you need right now, dear one, but I believe this: He's better than the very best thing you can think of. Your mind can't contain His goodness. You can't see or hear or even think up what He has in store for those who love Him. Those aren't words I came up with to make you feel better- that's from the very Word of God, and it never returns void.
What's the very best thing I can think of? That He would heal my child.
And yet, He's better than even that. I don't pretend to understand how or why, but I trust that He is.
Over my years of walking with Him, I have known God as Savior, Friend, Faithful, Giver, Redeemer, Way Maker, and the God Who sees me, just to name a few. I want to know Him as Healer, but I can't know Him as Healer unless I need healing. I choose to believe, even on the days I can't see it, that I will know Him as Healer, and until that time, I am learning Him as all sufficient. If I, as a mama just doing her best, know how to do good and give good things to my child, how much more does my good, good Father know how to do good and give good things to us? He does more than just give us good things- He gives us His very own self.
Keep leaning in when everything in you in screaming to go the other way. That's what I'm having to do, too. However it is you're wanting and needing to know Him- Healer, Savior, Giver, Redeemer- you have to need Him in that way first. And so, while I'm waiting to know Him as Healer, I'll lean into Him and find Him faithful again and again.
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